Since it was carried into orbit by a space shuttle in 1990, the Hubble Space Telescope has been one of the most successful science experiments of all time. Although I am reluctant to admit it, I must concede that it is even more successful than my eighth grade science project in which I brilliantly proved that skunks are far better ballroom dancers than woodpeckers (although the tango danced by the woodpeckers was technically impeccable and quite provocative). Anyone who has seen some of the amazing photographs taken by the Hubble Space Telescope would agree that it's explorations of space have advanced our knowledge of the universe in immeasurable ways. However, science magazines have only published information on the most impressive Hubble discoveries. After years of difficult research scanning Playboy photographs for hidden images of Hubble photographs that might have been accidentally included in the pictorial of Miss September or other heavenly bodies, I have found a few previously unrevealed strange objects discovered in outer space by the Hubble Space Telescope.
However, before we begin this educational and scholarly scientific survey of Hubble discoveries, I must address the obvious cries of derision that I hear from some of my reading audiences as they scream, "We are here to read comedy – not anything scientific or educational. " They continue to spew their outrage and hatred as they add, "If I wanted to read this garbage I would be on the Scientific America website." and lastly, they blast my article subject choice with the ever popular, "I've hated science since I flunked old Ms. Battleaxe's science class in seventh grade -this article sucks".
In an attempt to quell their ignorant rants with a well-reasoned and articulated counter argument, I offer the following response. Too Bad, So Sad! Oh, no, sorry, I didn't mean that and I sincerely beg your forgiveness. What I meant to say was – Remember people, without science, many things that you take for granted that enrich your lives on a daily basis would not exist. As examples, I list the following: No off track betting (OTB) or on-line casinos; No "Hot College Girl Live" video cams; No online unemployment compensation claims. There you go science haters. 'Nuff said. Another intellectual victory for this esteemed author.
With that unpleasantness behind us, buckle on your rocket packs and come along with me as we explore some of the stranger sights in the universe.
The Planet of Angry Certified Public Accountants and Actuaries
Many women and men in my reading audience will undoubtably have trouble sleeping tonight upon reading about this horrific planet that is only 15,000 million light years away. Please everyone, screw your courage onto its sticking place and read on. Although the government has attempted to stop the disclosure of Hubble's discovery of this planet (in an effort to avoid a general panic in the world's population), I will reluctantly give you this information at your own risk. If any of your reading companions should faint as they read about this terrifying Hubble discovery, please do not attempt to revive them by making them smell dirty socks. This first aid technique rarely works and can be harmful to pregnant women.
As difficult as it may be for you to comprehend, early analysis of insurance documents and actuarial risk reports from the surface of the planet, show that 98% of the planet's population consists of angry certified public accountants and actuaries. The other 5% of the population is divided evenly between drag queen Popeye imitators and itinerant cleaning supply salesmen. Apparently, poor tax and life insurance planning by the drag queens and spotty expense reporting by the cleaning supply salesman has made the rest of the planet's population livid. The CPAs and actuaries are refusing to file tax returns or set future business loss insurance premiums until everyone straightens out their act. Inter-gallactic nuclear war is a real possibility if demands are not met. Please do not disclose this information to anyone with a heart condition or who has allowed their life insurance to lapse.
The Nebula of Spoiled Deli Meats
Despite the undeniable beauty and majesty of the universe, not everything smells so good after you leave our solar system. A blurred image captured by the Hubble Space Telescope reveals an odiferous remnant of the big bang near the outer reaches of the universe. Apparently, the creator (s) of the universe forgot to put away their lunch before setting off the subatomic chain reaction that jump started the known universe. A large collection of premium deli meats has formed a large nebula near the edge of a neighboring galaxy. Store brands are smartly displayed at the front of the nebula, with bargain priced national brand sale items to the rear. A few delicious and crisp kosher pickles float near the edges of the nebula and give the entire system a whimsical feel. Unfortunately, despite the sub-zero temperatures of space, the deli meats have spoiled over the billions of years of their existence, and are no longer safe to eat by anyone who does not live in New Jersey. Astronauts who eventually reach this nebula are advised to bring along the Febreeze.
The Black Hole of Bad Jewish Comedians
Black holes are the most powerful forces in the universe and routinely swallow entire galaxies whole and spew them back out as used pieces of dental floss. This particular black hole has what scientists deem an extremely unusual behavior pattern that has them scratching their MENSA deformed heads. This black hole swallows up star systems and then, in an apparent breakdown of all known scientific principles, spits them out as bad Jewish comedians. Images captured from the black hole reveal countless balding comedians floating around in space complaining about their wife's cooking and their last visit to their proctologist. NASA has teamed up with comedian, Billy Crystal, known for his love of this generation of stand-up comics, to host a benefit at the Friar's Club in New York City for these space-age funny men all proceeds will be used to bring these space-age comedians to Florida each winter to work the condo circuit and to attend Early Bird Dinner specials at area restaurants. Needless to say, comedy writer unions in New York are outraged and demanding a piece of the action.
The Michael Jackson Comet
Although dark in color when first discovered, this comet has turned gradually whiter as the years have passed since it's discovery by Hubble. The comet's features have changed shape several times and parts of a prominent feature on its surface seem to be falling off. This comet is definitely the baddest comet ever, as it Moon Walks its way across the Universe. This comet displays an erratic direction and for some reason is often seen in the vicinity of younger star systems and planets. I do not judge, and remain confident in the legal system to sort this out. The Hubble Space Telescope has determined that this particular comet was once part of a large family of comets that broke apart due to professional jealousy and the inability to agree on a fair distribution of record revenues. Litigation is ongoing.
The Groovy Moon of Poor Fashion Decisions
On this happening moon, fashioned-challenged Dads from around the universe have found a peaceful home where they can proudly walk around dressed in comfortable and functional clothes that, quite frankly, all females in that same universe find embarrassing and ridiculous. Telescope images from the Hubble Space Telescope show Dads cooly cutting their lawns in knee high white socks and a wide brimmed Panama hat. In the moon's grocery stores, happy men in Hawaiian shirts and team logo baseball caps fill their shopping carts with beer and chips, unworried that some hot chick coming down the aisle will see them and break into a hysterical laugh as she passes by. Pot-bellied men strut their stuff at local beaches, walking around and swimming in spandex speedo swimsuits that let it all hang out in a good-natured fashion statement of what it means to be a real man. On formal occasions, purple disco suits and Looney Tune character ties are all the rage. This is truly an oasis of fashion freedom for poorly dressed men from every galaxy. All women and teen age girls are banned from the Groovy Moon of Poor Fashion Decisions until they can learn to keep their unwelcome, hurtful and baseless comments about how men dress to themselves. Sadly, this prohibition includes my own lovely wife and three teenage daughters. I am planning a short trip there very soon for further research.
So there you have it Star Trekkers. We are part of a special universe, full of wonders and surprises. Let out a hearty cheer for the Hubble Space Telescope. And Listen Up! Those science haters who fell asleep during the reading of this article will receive detention and be placed on top secret double probation by Dean Wormer for the remainder of the school year. Beam me up Scotty.